Hell's Medic

The Artist in the Ambulance


I Just Saw the Universe Change

Unholy heretics fell from the sky

I try to quiet the inner voices in me that tell me my success has been nothing but a fluke.

I look for a friendly face,

I see

Bloodless focus.

It was completely surreal, walking up to slake their thirst.

Marvel at fire dancing in the windows as their feet move up the walkway.

In this respect, it doesn’t matter because

I’m a long way from home, but these feelings and this kind of company are familiar.

I’m not hearing the music. I’m not even hearing the rain 15 stories down.

They’re finding passion in places we aren’t looking, and

lose it in places we are supposed to care about.

We should all be so lucky in our lives

to create things

but they are gaining strength and I can feel it.

Love never gives up.

After hours,

the summer flowers have faded away, but the first snowmen are still months away.

He’s chain smoking American Spirits, drinking coffee and water and nibbling on chocolate pretzels.

An Irish goodbye as lethal as a bite.

Clearly gorgeous, eyes all cinders, aglow.

The Gargoyle grin splits his face across the equator. He doesn’t say a word.

He has become partial to Prada suits, worn with a white shirt and a dark tie,


blue eventually will kill

a taste for the macabre, strewed with rubies thick as gravel.

When he speaks he makes every syllable count;

“When it comes to music, everyone has a story”. he says.

“People have this one sided relationship, where they look at a picture,

and thing they know you. I won’t go quietly.”

His face stays that as same as the children,

“I like crazy people who don’t give a fuck”.

He sat and had a beer, undisturbed my paparazzi or fans.

“We travel together” he says,

and so given his aversion to the sun,

I look in my rearview mirror,

but see no reflection.

Can’t untie you from me,

I admired his sullen face,

stained and lost through age,

but soon his eyes grew brilliant lightbulbs

so I could rock his body to and fro.

Waken thou with me,

and the whole thing starts again.

“Dude what the fuck is going on?”

All around him the rows are so uniformly strait it’s evident they’ve been painstakingly cultivated.

Dreaming to him, an idea of stern duty. Ever the old soul he smiles

“that’s bullshit,” he says. “Never turn your back on the ocean.”

Then he pays the foreman for the repairs and tells them he owes them for rushing.

He continued his story,

a way of keeping himself focused on

what matters to him.

The emergency vehicles as they moved towards an accident or hospital.

Supplementing his oatmeal with seawater as part of a morning ritual to become one with the ocean.

“Lets go out and do this,” he says.

He smiled


awaited the gulls

“Oh I don’t know,” he says finally.

And this was the reason you arrived with someone else’s story in your head,

and left with your own.

Today there are waves.

We’re up before the sun.

and jazzed by the spark of danger.

They pulled it off of course.

Would that my tongue utter

the thoughts that arise in me.

I was just lucky enough to be there, and document the moment.

“I love you still, and I always will”.

The end.

Copyright Hellsmedic, 2012

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Today, I sat down to write in my journal, after doing several more page spreads last night, and sort of got on a tangent thinking. Mostly, thinking about my writing in gernal, projects I’ve been working on, how to get over my fear of putting my thoughts and off-set notebook history into written form and. . . then I spent about a half an hour looking for a list that I drew up some time ago about all the different things that I wanted to cover by writing. Unfortunatly, I couldn’t find that list, so I guess I get to draw it up again. . .? Super fun times. The good part about it is that it’ll be good to get me back into daily writing.

Speaking of my journal. . .

The next couple of pictures I doodled in my ‘Skine but colored in GIMP. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve had several requests the past couple of weeks for Marvel Characters. I’ve only put a couple up here because some of them I didn’t care for how they turned out, but I’ve very proud of my char (Kurt, for whom I use Adam Levine of Maroon 5 for as a face claim) , and then how Johnny Blaze’s portrait turned out. The woman with the wings (was) my OC, Jason. That one kind of makes me sad; unfortunately, the RP that I was involved in, where I played Kurt Wagner, Jason, Warren Worthington, and Scott Summers, well. . . banned me. I was lucky that I was almost immediately offered a position playing Kurt elsewhere, but after what happened at the former RP, I didn’t feel like I could play Jason again. She was involved in several very dynamic plots and working as a double agent Scorsese-style, but when the mods gave me the boot they essentially told all the other players to disregard any history they had with my characters (to be clear; I was banned because the mods didn’t care for how popular Kurt had grown, I’m venturing to guess. The official reason I was given was ‘incompatible RP style’ but a few days prior I’d gotten a nasty message from an anon mod telling me that Kurt was ‘answering too much of his fan-mail. . .whatever). But anyway-so yes, I drew them all in my journal, and I plan to draw some sketches of my OC and Peter Parker, too, because they were officially dating before I got kicked. I sort of make it a point to put characters I care deeply for (in terms of experiences I’ve had with them and plot) in my journal because it lets me capture their essence on paper, which I greatly enjoy doing.

So I’ve been arting, Just not posting, but yeah, going to be trying to do that a lot more. Not only that, but trying to just get more comfortable being myself, both online and off, on my journals and no, and blog what I want to blog and when I want to blog it! I think I have to get over that whole ‘professional blog’ crap that I was talking about yesterday and really start figuring out how to get comfortable with that, too. Also I think re-doing by bio might help, too. . . .

*jots a quick note to self*

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In Shallow Water

So, time for some artist talk.

Or maybe not some artist talk, but I’mma have some anyway.

First off, I have come to a realization. There’s a lot of ‘professional’ blogging sites out there that tell people what sorts of things make good blogs. . . .and what sorts of things don’t. And one of the things they tell you when you’re making an art blog is for the love of all that’s holy, update it regularly. Otherwise you lose followers, you don’t get your work exposed, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.

So, I’ve decided to take a stand and say screw that.

Not the ‘regular updating’ part, but the ‘this is what art is supposed to be and how you’re supposed to get it out there’ part. I mean, seriously. I can post stuff like clockwork if I wanted to, but if I don’t have the drive I’ve realized, it ain’t gonna happen and it ain’t gonna get posted here.  That’s about where I’m at. I’m still doing loads of journal pages, but I’m realizing more and more that they’re not getting up here. It’s like there’s a pressure for me to create, and that’s driving me nuts. I’ve kind of made a vow to give that sorta deal the finger.

Here’s the thing. Recently, I’ve had a lot of personal upset in my life; meaning friends coming and going, a sick child, stress with my career, a probable move. . .ect, ect. And with that, I’ve had to sort of take a step back and look at what sorts of stress I can cut from my life and what sort of stress is unnecessary, and so I think over the past few weeks I’ve mitigated a fair amount of it. With that said, I’ve been drawing and painting like crazy. Mostly things for a new RP that I’m involved in, but that’s OK, because I’ve found drawing things for people and things that I enjoy is often a gateway to some of my more beautiful pieces, like the one above that I finished about a week ago but just got scanned in today. As I was looking at it [the bottom piece] I noticed some of the colors in the lower half that started to stick out, so, I played with it in GIMP and found one thing in something else, and I have to say I think it came out very beautifully, and I may try to make more pieces like it. In the interim, though, I’ve sort of told myself I’m going to make and draw just whatever the hell I want, and screw everything else, because otherwise, I can’t get *anything* out, and my journals AND my writing get stale.

So yeah. Not gonna promise any of my followers any sort of regularity, other than I’ll try to post here more. And I don’t just mean art, I mean just. . . me. Whether folks get interested in that at all or no, well. Time will tell, but I can’t give more than that.

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Introducing Page-A- Day!

Okay, because, really. Lets be honest. I’m super lazy and until I get off my  patootie and start scanning some of my newer pages in, we need some action, here.

So basically, here’s what Page-A-Day is gonna be on this blog; every day, I’m going to pull a page spread from one of my journals and talk about it. Not just what I was thinking about when I made it, but also what materials I used, what was going on in my life at the time, ect, ect. I figured this would be a great way to both keep me motivated and journaling and also for me to keep my blog interesting for you guys. Because seriously when I have pressure to write for a crowd, I’ve noticded my productivity goes down.

SO. With that being said, lets get started!

“Some Men”

Hellsmedic, 2008

So this is the first one I’m choosing to open with. Why? Because it’s one of my most profound journal entries and it makes a statement.  The quote is taken from The Dark Knight, the second Nolan-verse Batman film. I thought it went perfectly well with the image. ” Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

My opinions on politics, generally speaking, I keep to myself. I don’t like to fight with people about it, and when I get behind a cause, it’s usually because it’s one that directly impacts my life and the lives of people around me. My spiritual path doesn’t allow me for casual indifference, however I understand that as a single person I will always be limited by being just that; one voice. But I make it a point to get it out there when I need to.

Obviously, the medium here was simple; a clip out of Newsweek and a ballpoint pen. This was back when I was using a lined journal, before I really gave myself over to my Moleskines. I wasn’t doing painting work in these much back then, either, or doodling. My primary mode will always be collage, because I find I feel comfortable taking words and images and putting them together in a traditional means to convey an idea; rearranging something that aldready existed to tell a compleatly different story. This time, though, the only thing I had in mind was what I felt was going on in the world at the time. This journal entry was done in October of 2008, right before President Barak Obama was elected.

I have no respect for either President Bush nor any of his administration; and this is one time I wish I could honestly say I was speaking out of my butt about this, but the fact of the matter is I have extended family who are involved with The Bush family and their Oil schpeil. Having spoken at length with afore mentioned family member who is in on a lot of it, I became throuroghly convinced that destroying everything and hoarding everything that’s left is that family and their “friends” only mode of operation. Between the Oil gouging and the defense contracting they started a war for, you can never convince me any different. You can never convince me Bush, Cheney, and any of their cronies ever gave a lick of damned about any other human being but themselves, because when the American People were still reeling from Hurricane Katrina and getting ready to take a nosedive into a recession, they were enjoying cocktails and chomping on cigars and taking a million dollar cruise in Half-Moon Bay. And yes, that is personal knowledge. Given that my journal isn’t just about art therapy for me, but also as an outlet for a lot of my frustrations, that is exactly what this entry was about. Disgust with the then current leadership of the United States of America. If any of them were ever tried for crimes against humanity, I wouldn’t shed one damned tear.


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